“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
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imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn鈥檛 matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I鈥檓 a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it鈥檚 probably just that Mercury鈥檚 in retrograde again.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I鈥檓 going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don鈥檛 drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
Had to try this trend 馃槉
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
All I鈥檝e ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don鈥檛 ask for much.
obviously, you鈥檇 be a fool not to get two
Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.