Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
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Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
💻🤡
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
We’ve all been there
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.