Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
You Might Also Like
How it started How it’s going
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Cartman: Respect my
a a
Last-minute gift idea!
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
can’t believe I got front row seats
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
how much for the angry fruit?