In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
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School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life