@NicestHippo

Did Delilah ever tell that guy what New York City is like

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@KirstyWebeck

Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”

Me: “Errr. Sure?”

*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*

@_ElvishPresley_

ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?

HER: I asked if you were a “people” person

ME: ohhh…definitely not

@curlycomedy

How can you teach your child about adversity if you don’t leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?

@ilovepie84

” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”

Me if I was on the Titanic.

@TragicAllyHere

Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.

@ShortSleeveSuit

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

@MelvinofYork

My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out

@mattgallo123

This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.