I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Oceanography is all about current events
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.