@Hobo_Splendido

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

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@lawyerthoughts

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

@RdrJay47

A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”

@ShanaRose21

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

@CM2BTTHD

My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

@kumailn

My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”

@ilikeyouguys

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check