Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
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A social gathering without food is called a “Don’t.”
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
My favorite romantic comedy sub-genre is “Hugh Grant falls in love with someone for no reason.”
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
Don’t leave the milk out overnight.