“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
You Might Also Like
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
karate teacher: shatter that board
me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched
teacher: not like that
board: *crying* yeah not like that
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Heroic Misunderstanding
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.