Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
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INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
Me too 😆
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
Wife’s lawyer: So why did he demand a divorce?
My lawyer: it says here that he forgot it was their wedding anniversary and just panicked…