Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

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There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.


My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.


Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?


god: these are humans

angel: how do they work?

god: [rubbing temples] not…not well


Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.


“Hey, your fly’s down”

Oh shit..

*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings


[After date, walking her to her door]

Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.


I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.


My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.