@Mom_Overboard

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

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@therealeatwood

ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.

BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?

@samalmightysam

My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.

@bourgeoisalien

pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”

@mrjohndarby

[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*

@iliza

A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.

@Ohgoddessitsme

When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.

@NicestHippo

PLATO: I’m famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph–

It’s for relationships where nobody’s getting laid

@TheThryll

Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.

@fro_vo

WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not