Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

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ME: Um, I specifically requested Mary.

BLOODY CARLA: Listen, do you want your eyes clawed out or not?


My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.


pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”


[World Cat Conference]

President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*


A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.


When I’m driving I listen to the country station because it makes me want to get to my destination faster.


PLATO: I’m famous in the future? I bet the word platonic is used to describe philosoph–

It’s for relationships where nobody’s getting laid


Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.


WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not