Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
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So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS