me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?
her: I SAID YES
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
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You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.