Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

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me: so did it hurt?
her: yes, a lot
me: when i splashed that salsa in your eye?


Be myself?
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?


HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.


HER: Please stop imagining all those things.

ME: Ok.


My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever


Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower


[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]


Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth

Jim: oh no

Jo: oh no

Karl: oh no

Boss: obviously we will need to

Me: oh no


As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu


Even scarier than seeing a shark fin in the water is seeing a lion mane, because you know the chase isn’t over once you reach land.