did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
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How to woo a woman
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
this FaceApp is creepy af