Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
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Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
you have three unread messages
My favorite oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp.
2. Act natural.
3. Boneless ribs.
4. Civil war.
5. Freezer burn.
6. Adult male.
7. Happy marriage.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.