@TheBoydP
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
@theyearofelan
Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?
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@TheBoydP
@TheToddWilliams
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
@Kyle_Lippert
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
@HuajatollaChic
Hits rock bottom.
*adds Geologist to resume
@envydatropic
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
@dumbbeezie
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
@david8hughes
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
@onion_an
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
@sixfootcandy
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
@citizenkawala
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?