@WittySassBasket: I'm most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it's stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

@Gupton68: [ER] Dr: ...major cardiac event, you must improve your diet Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg D: Such as? M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf— D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

@truegritrumble: Well there goes my Wednesday night.

@JohnLyonTweets: Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

@MichaelTrying: All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”