Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?

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Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…


“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,


Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”


Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?


A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?


Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.


CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank



GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?


They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*