@theyearofelan: Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn't let you in because you're terrible?
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@WittySassBasket: I'm most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it's stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
@Gupton68: [ER] Dr: ...major cardiac event, you must improve your diet Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg D: Such as? M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf— D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
@JohnLyonTweets: Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.