Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?

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Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??


Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown


Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea


Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”


[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out


Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]


When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?