@theyearofelan

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?

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@215potter

Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…

@Genevieve0404

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

@myles_morrison

Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”

@MrGeorgeWallace

Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?

@benerdist

A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?

@notalogin

Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.

@daemonic3

CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie

AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?

CANADIAN: What’s that about?

AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank

@MatCro

[presentation]

GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?

ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?

@Marlebean

They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…

*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*