@theyearofelan

Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?

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@TheBoydP

Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.

Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??

@Kyle_Lippert

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

@envydatropic

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

@dumbbeezie

Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”

@david8hughes

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

@onion_an

Wife: Who is it?

Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball

Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]

@sixfootcandy

When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?