@215potter Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
@theyearofelan Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven because they wouldn’t let you in because you’re terrible?
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@215potter 
@Genevieve0404 “Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
@myles_morrison Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it.”
@MrGeorgeWallace Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
@benerdist A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
@notalogin Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
@daemonic3 CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
@envydatropic 99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
@MatCro [presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
@Marlebean They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*