Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
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Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Him: I’d prefer that you just remain unapologetic instead of offering up some non-apology.
Me: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?