[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
The urge to say “yeah you should do that”, especially when you have no clue.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
I’m never gonna tell the person I’m meeting up with that you said hi.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist