@Hobo_Splendido

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

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@savvystrider

My friend Mark called me pretentious so I slapped him with my silk handkerchief.

@ShellHasDragons

Your favourite character is Baby Yoda. Mine is Darth Vader. We are not the same.

@jenlaw_11

Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!

@3sunzzz

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

@karanbirtinna

I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.

@WilliamAder

It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.

@pant_leg

why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs

@trapgrampa

I remember when you could get a dozen eggs, a loaf of bread, and a gallon of milk for a nickel. now they got these damn security cameras.

@Ignorant_Indian

Dating Tips.

C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.