Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
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Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]