If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
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How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Brain: Walk up to her and offer her a drink.
Me: I WANT TO DRINK YOU LIKE A SIPPY CUP.
Brain: Can you actually hear me?
Bros before Ohioes
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point