Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
You Might Also Like
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
*puts my mental health in rice
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
dam girl
Smile Twitter, Smile.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.