did…. my mom post something funny… on facebook..

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When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.


Kanye goes to law school just so he can yell THE DEFENSE WESTS YOUR HONOR and moonwalk out of the courtroom. The defendant is executed.


me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread


Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re


Do you ever think hell is full and so the rest of us came back then made a twitter account?


If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.


AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain


Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”



We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears


The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.