@theb0tfather

did…. my mom post something funny… on facebook..

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@AmericanGent69

When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.

This is why I have trust issues.

@BuckyIsotope

Kanye goes to law school just so he can yell THE DEFENSE WESTS YOUR HONOR and moonwalk out of the courtroom. The defendant is executed.

@suecorvette

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

@JenniferJokes

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

@comes_night

Do you ever think hell is full and so the rest of us came back then made a twitter account?

@ExecDad1

If you think men aren’t good listeners then whisper “C’mere, I’m naked” and I will hear you eight states away.

@Marlebean

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

@withanewname

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

@weinerdog4life

We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears

@Eatingmeals

The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.