@theb0tfather

did…. my mom post something funny… on facebook..

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@radtoria

Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*

@AndrewChamings

this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him

@theshantilly

Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”

Me: “Nachos.”

“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”

“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”

@ThisOneSayz

The world is your Oyster.

So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?

@mommeh_dearest

4: “Can I say fuh?”

Me: “Don’t…”

4: “Can I say king?!”

Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”

@Lpbinder

You haven’t experienced awkward until you tickle someone who isn’t ticklish.

@whatsupboosh

Me: how do I do taxes?

School: here’s a recorder

Me: what is a credit score?

School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this

Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?

School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.