my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
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I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.