Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
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This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Optional boss fight.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer