Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
bout dat hot dog summer
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.