Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

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My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.


You: *Rushes to NIMC office. *Queues for 10 days* *Gets NIN* *Reactivates sim*

Whatsapp: One unread message

Crush: I think I’m in love with your friend, Mark


Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.


I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.


I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.


You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.


friend: what are you doing

me: performing a ritual and trying to summon a demon

friend: …

me [dancing around pentagram]: come on shake your body baby do the conga

friend: its not work—

demon [rising through portal]: i know you cant control yourself any longer


Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make


Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia