@rn_murse

Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?

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@junejuly12

My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.

@Alex_Houseof308

You: *Rushes to NIMC office. *Queues for 10 days* *Gets NIN* *Reactivates sim*

Whatsapp: One unread message

Crush: I think I’m in love with your friend, Mark

@BrettDruck

Oh you’re a foodie? You like food? Wow you are very unique. Personally I’m a foodie but I’m also a breathie. Love to breathe.

@stockejock

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.

@simoncholland

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

@Social_Mime

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

@lincnotfound

friend: what are you doing

me: performing a ritual and trying to summon a demon

friend: …

me [dancing around pentagram]: come on shake your body baby do the conga

friend: its not work—

demon [rising through portal]: i know you cant control yourself any longer

@Beatonm5

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
???

@ObscureGent

Mugger: Give me everything you got

Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia