Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
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the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
A plastic surgery slogan:
Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%