@amishschool

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

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@BeTheCookie

I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.

@MelKassel

[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle

@JulieSnark

If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.

@sucittaM

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

@JihadPizza

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

@Home_Halfway

[God inventing iguanas]
Maybe humans are done dealing with dinosaurs, but ants aren’t

@moose_chocolate

How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

@MarkusJ

*first astronaut lands on Mars*
NASA: How does it feel son?
Astronaut: Feels pretty good to be 33 million miles away from Dave Matthews Band