Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
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I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
*orders delivery*
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Saturday
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Child: Hey can I go outsi-
Me: YES PLEASE
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”