Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?

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I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way


Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?


My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge


*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.


Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.


My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.


“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”

-Vin Diesel eating a purse


I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse


My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!