@Lisacossey1

Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?

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@TheBoydP

[work email]

Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!

*hides bag of steaks*

@jewfacekilla

In marijuana’s defense, I’m lazy as shit completely sober too.

@SumReecesPieces

“I need to talk to you.” Has the power to make you remember every single bad thing you’ve ever done. Ever.

@dog_feelings

it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund

@jctwritesstuff

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

@Cpin42

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

@Schmoodles

I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.

Your move, Jesus.

@fro_vo

*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on

@bader_diedrich

My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream

@MarfSalvador

[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?