@TheBoydP
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
@Lisacossey1
Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?
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@TheBoydP
@jewfacekilla
In marijuana’s defense, I’m lazy as shit completely sober too.
@SumReecesPieces
“I need to talk to you.” Has the power to make you remember every single bad thing you’ve ever done. Ever.
@dog_feelings
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
@jctwritesstuff
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
@Cpin42
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
@Schmoodles
I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.
Your move, Jesus.
@fro_vo
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
@bader_diedrich
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
@MarfSalvador
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?