I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.
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The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Bless you
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?