Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
*hides bag of steaks*
Did the dinosaurs on the Flintstones know that they could eat the people instead of working for them?
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In marijuana’s defense, I’m lazy as shit completely sober too.
“I need to talk to you.” Has the power to make you remember every single bad thing you’ve ever done. Ever.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
I’ve just turned a mortgage payment into wine.
Your move, Jesus.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?