Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Storminika

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

@chrisdowning

Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?

@natalayhehoo

My kids take “stain resistant” as a deeply personal challenge

@Try2StopME

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

@TheAlexNevil

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

@CheeseDaydreams

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

@iRowlf

“Yo, somebody filled this calzone with a checkbook and sunglasses!”

-Vin Diesel eating a purse

@dumbbeezie

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

@jellybnbonanza

My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!