Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

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When my car starts making weird noises I just assume it’s becoming a Transformer.


In the old days when people knocked on the door, you could hide. Now you have to disconnect from internet and turn off cell phones.


When I was in my twenties we didn’t have hipsters we had AIDS, which was almost as bad.


Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..


Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.

ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.


After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies


I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.


Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.

I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”


My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it


You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.