Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
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i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I could never be a critic of any description because even if I hate a film or book I have the overwhelming urge to try and be nice about it, e.g: “The plot was incomprehensible and the characters loathsome, but I’m sure everyone involved worked very hard so well done. 5/5.”
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes