I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
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Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.