did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
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If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”