@Bob_Janke

Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

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@Bipartisanism

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

@HomeWithPeanut

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

@DothTheDoth

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

@JustMeTurtle

Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.

@SlothSlouch

There’s no such thing as a covid vaccine, they just inject you with a really small guy that builds pillow forts around your cells so the virus can’t enter

@clichedout

me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know

@insignificuntxX

Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.

@Amazon_Blonde

No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying