Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
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uh oh
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.