Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that

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How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.


Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”


The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.


Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.


There’s no such thing as a covid vaccine, they just inject you with a really small guy that builds pillow forts around your cells so the virus can’t enter


me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: ur not even a suspect

me: i just wanted u to know


Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.


No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.

Family: uh…this is an Intervention

Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying