How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
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Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
There’s no such thing as a covid vaccine, they just inject you with a really small guy that builds pillow forts around your cells so the virus can’t enter
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
“mainstream” = “white people found out”
Spanking, choking, and hair-pulling are old hat. If he’s not down to run me over with a bus, I’m not interested.
No beer or Snacks?!? WORST. PARTY. EVER.
Family: uh…this is an Intervention
Me: LAME, look, Grandmas so bored she’s crying