DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Watson was Holmes schooled
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code