fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge
& I’m considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
[on a business trip to South Carolina]
Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.
“Welcome to the United States.”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?