@kimlockhartga

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

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@dril

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

@thestlouisan

My grandpa slept in snow in the Battle of the Bulge
& I’m considering throwing out this cup of water bc it has some tiny floaty things in it

@pauleggleston

I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.

@ericsshadow

[on a business trip to South Carolina]

Nice to meet you. I’m from Philadelphia.

“Welcome to the United States.”

@ramblinma

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

@_elvishpresley_

[picks up scalp massager]

Me: what’s this thing called

Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher

Me: well take a guess my man

@CantWaitToNap

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

@bingowings14

This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?