DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
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Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants