Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
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Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
It’s the weekend y’all
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*