Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
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We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
it must be school picture day
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
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My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.