Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
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Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
This is what makes twitter great
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: Remember what we had last night? Cream of that….
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Shortcut
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?