Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

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[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”


*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?


“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”


Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.


[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea


We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”


*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light


Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.


Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?