@SunshineJarboly

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

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@Phreemann

[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”

@Wine_Honey1

*gets sent nude selfie with messy bedroom in the background

Sorry to ruin the mood, but is that a half-eaten corn dog on your floor?

@UncleDuke1969

“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”

@HatfieldAnne

Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.

@FrazzleMyGimp

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

@_NTFG_

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

@longwall26

*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light

@abhorrent_wife

Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.

@Br00klyn_BeAr

Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?