@SunshineJarboly

Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?

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@PaperWash

Age 15: kids are stupid

Age 25: kids are stupid

Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid

@LindseyEllison2

If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.

@HepatitisAtoZ

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

@primawesome

I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.

@fairlyliterary

What are WE?
WRITERS!!!

What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!

When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!

@rhysjamesy

The Swiss must’ve been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.

@NewDadNotes

[at ultrasound]

Wife: omg so what is it?

Me: it’s a baby.

Wife: I know that.

Me: then why did you ask?

Wife:

Doctor: yes then why did you ask?

@SvnSxty

“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”

It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer