Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
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[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Boss: Our toilet is fixed.
M: I can stop pooping at ur house.
B: You’re using the bathroom at my house?
M: There’s a bathroom at ur house?
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
I want what they have
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”