wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
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Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)