did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?

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Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-

Me: wait you have WiFi?

Satan: of course.

Me: well that’s not so bad.

Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.


Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath

Her: Ah I can’t wait to take it

*hands her paper*

Me: I used your eyeliner pencil


More tattoo artists really just need to say “No, I’m not doing that.”


Cats: greetings human. as you may have noticed, my food bowl is empty…fill it..I’ll be on the couch.


I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.


“Where do people already feel awkward & uncomfortable?”
“K let’s make ’em like that”
— funeral home designers


“What’ll you have”
“You want it neat”
No thanks
*bartender throws some crumbs and hair in my whisky*


Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.


I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.


*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”