@TheDairylandDon

Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

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@W0nderW0manW0w

I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?

@UnFitz

Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.

@sarcasticmommy4

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

@climaxximus

me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.

@donni

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

@Tylerosis

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

@That_Damn_Duck

Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women

@funflaps

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

@karanbirtinna

Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.