Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
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[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
*puts my mental health in rice
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.