Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”

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I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.

How’s your day going?


Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Kid: Magic.


My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.


me: I have a problem.

her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.

me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.


Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows


I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.


Yes he’s financially stable & hasn’t been to jail for domestic violence like the other guy but I can change the other guy wait & see – Women


Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy


Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.