Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
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If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
Ooops wrong house😂😜
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.