[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”