@DrawingShadows

Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?

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@jimmytorosian

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

@XplodingUnicorn

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

@Michael1979

QUARANTINE DIARY

Day 1: I have stocked up on enough non-perishable food and supplies to last me for months, maybe years, so that I can remain in isolation for as long as it takes to see out this pandemic

Day 1 + 45 minutes: I am in the supermarket because I wanted a Twix

@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

@LoveMeNowDad

A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls

@iamburtjarvis

bruce banner: [getting angry]

black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]

bruce banner: what is this?

black widow: anger manageMINT.

hulk: [sighs heavily]

@thesulk

“Which would you like, a piano or a motorcycle?” “Yes.” (Yamaha)

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: MOMMY HELP HELP!

ME *throws cat off lap, drops phone, spills coffee on self, runs up stairs, kicks open door*

3YO: I want a snack.