@DrawingShadows

Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?

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@mommajessiec

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

@Ketamine_Stalin

THE SUN HASN’T RISEN IN SIX WEEKS AND THE ANIMALS ARE AGITATED. THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM JUST SAYS “THAT’S ALL FOLKS”

@meganamram

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

@prufrockluvsong

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

@fixyourcompass

Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.

@kumailn

Did you know: Wi-Fi is short for “wireless fireless.” Pre-wi-fi all internet was fire based. Firewall, firewire, “fire up the computer” etc.

@dafloydsta

[first date]

HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.

ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.

@Peauxtassium

This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married

@capnwatsisname

Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—

Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets

@Uffdafuckingda

I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…