“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
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Yep.
Dear Lord..
I can’t wait!
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in