Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
You Might Also Like
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird