@mostlydelirious

Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like Satan.

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@TweetsByKaylee

[first day as an undercover cop]

mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan

me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?

@shutupmikeginn

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

@wolfpupy

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

@Aikiwomannc

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

@briangaar

The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him

@traciebreaux

Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up

@NicCageMatch

The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.

@living_marble

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

@awordforaword

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”