[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
Did you fall from heaven? Because you look like Satan.
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[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
The new Batman is super realistic — he’s attracted to porch lights, makes your girlfriend scream and then the cat eats him
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
*gets down on one knee*