“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
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Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Dishwasher broke, so now I鈥檓 washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
if you鈥檙e not easily offended, why are you even here?
A wise man once said nothing.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*runs out of toilet paper*
“Good bye, infinity scarf”
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 馃檪
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Our vision of Hell doesn鈥檛 come from the Bible; it鈥檚 a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant鈥檚 food is good
Ok, Surgeon General, alcohol is bad for pregnant women. The warning label might be more effective stating alcohol causes pregnant women.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?