Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
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If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
blocked.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.