Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
In the spirit of ‘Cancel Culture’ so to speak, can we just go ahead and cancel the middle school dioramas????
Im out of cotton balls. 😒
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.