My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan: Give it back…