@msdanifernandez

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

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@Miniwheats2012

My version of “naked and afraid” is when I’m in the shower, soap in my eyes, and I hear a weird noise.

@Kyle_Lippert

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

@dreamthievin

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

@iamspacegirl

Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.

@McGrumpenstein

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

@huntigula

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*