Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
You Might Also Like
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
“How’s your day going?”
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.