Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
You Might Also Like
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!