Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
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Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
This is the one
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
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I still have Pringles?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?