Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage


Sometimes my kid likes me, but I’m pretty sure it’s only because I’m his Oreo dealer.


JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape


How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!


When someone says “excuse me while I slip into something more comfortable”, how long are they usually gone? Two days seems like a long time.


How’s school, Hannah?

“Really tough, dad.”

They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?