I want my marriage to be a forever one night stand, laughing and joking, beer drinking, dancing, pizza in bed kinda relationship.
“Did you guys see me get so mad I flipped a table?”
Yes Tony, we saw it. You’re 46. You have to stop taking your skateboard to restaurants.
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Therapist: What’s the most meaningful connection you’ve made in your life?
Me: You mean…other than wifi?
My dog seems happy so I took her meds to see if they’d help me and I guess at least I won’t have any ticks this summer.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
H: So you like shabby chic?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.