Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
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Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see